i'll get betta

mind is racing ..
feet are pacing ..
heart is breaking ,
& i am to blame .

i did alot of cleaning & clearing out today .
ALOT .
& at the end of the hour ,
ive come to see & understand what i have to do ..
in order to be OKAY with myself .

today my mother walked in on me praying ..
i didnt know she was there ,
i guess she listening in on the WHOLE thing ..
which i never mind neways ,
at the end .. once i got up , wiped my eyes ..

she told me
" i can see you hurting , but whats wrong"

i shook my head & said .. " i got this " .

i guess im back to that good ole

" i can do bad all by myself "

she asked me how things were the last time we spoke....
i had never told her about that day u called and i decided to keep it 100.
i said ,you know how that goes...it was kinda weird .. with a little smile .
she told me " you dont have to pretend with me , i know he meant alot to you , its mommy that your talking to.....
i was still on my knees from praying .. and just told her , " he did , but ill get over it" real nonchalantly.... but i couldnt look her in the face...the tears came and even mommy wept.....u meant the world to me......before the bs, college lies, hoes, bottles of bleach on all my clothes

ALL I COULD SAY IS WHEN DOES IT EVER GET SO BAD THAT YOU TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE??

NOW ALL I KEEP THINKING IS WHAT IF.....i didnt keepit so real???? evan always says stallpplout mayb i shoulda listened to what u had to say instead of goin off and hanging up......im sorry i hung up

mommy basically told me i didnt have to be so hard , all the time .
that its okay to be hurt sometimes and show some emotion, but NOT to let hurt take over me .
& i think thats what made me smile again .
i know that ive been down for the pass few days ...but i'll get betta

up all night .. & the insomnia begins .